You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
