How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
