I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
