Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
