I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
