you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
