you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
