Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
