I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
