You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
