just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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