i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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