your parents love me but you hate me
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
