How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
