How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
