She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
