My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
zippers are such a cool invention
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
