my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
