i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
