We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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