my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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