woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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