Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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