Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
