At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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