final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
