I accidentally burped into my bong.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize