didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize