1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
