Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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