Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
