I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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