i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize