You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
