My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
