I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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