but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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