You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
