I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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