I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
