I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize