My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
