Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
