He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I won the penis lottery.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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