One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
