Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
