____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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