omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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