your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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