Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
