It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
