You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
