why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize