just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
