I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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