I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
