tell your sister to shave her snatch
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
