I just gift wrapped bread.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
