I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
