He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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