I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
