why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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