people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I will pee on everything he values.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dear god my vagina.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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