Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
